What is a dissociative disorder? According to the NAMI website, “Dissociative disorders are characterized by an involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness, and memory.” I’ve known only a bit about my own dissociative episodes from having CPTSD. Because of the trauma I’ve experienced multiple times in my life, I have used this and didn’t know I was using it, to cope with what was happening or my feelings. It’s very common with trauma. This is something that I’ve been recently exploring with my therapist, and she’s having me monitor or try to monitor my dissociative episodes. I am fairly certain that this will be quite difficult to monitor. The only time I recall or think I have had an episode is when I experience a surreal feeling that I’m not experiencing something, but I am. This is depersonalization disorder, which I tend to attribute to my being creative. I want to say that I still don’t quite understand this very well, but I am trying to figure it out. Does that mean I have dissociative identity disorder? I don’t think so, but I’m also unsure, but I think that if I had more trauma in my life, which everyone goes through trauma, but it depends on the severity, what impact it has on the individual. I think that it could happen.

So I found a blog that talks about ASD, SPD, ADHD, and Dissociation. This was their post about this. This just makes me think of other questions since I have CPTSD, ADHD, and I know I have dissociated and not positive, but probably have some sensory processing issues, or do I?

What I can tell you about this is that I find it difficult. I find it difficult to find people who are interested in listening to what I have to say, what I am feeling, what I am thinking, and I know that part of that is the people that I have had in my life that have been involved in some way with my experiences. Then there are also the people in my life that have to deal with me in some way, some do, some don’t, and some are truly to my detriment. Some people have mocked me, abused me, and made it so I don’t want to talk or make it so I don’t want to talk. That makes it even more difficult and confusing for me to figure out who really wants to listen to me and to what extent they want to, which I suppose is how I got involved in therapy, groups, etc. I do have a lot to say, and it doesn’t always come out well or at the right times, and for that, I am sorry. I am still learning, and I am still trying.

Trauma work is something I have been working on for many years. I feel like I’ve been chipping away at it little by little. I’ve been exploring many things that I feel will help me. I’m reading Reiki for Life and Buddha’s Brain and listening to podcasts. I bought myself a Himalayan Singing Bowl and have stones, as well as white sage. I want to be open to possibilities of things that are going to ease and soothe me as I’m working on difficult things. I’m still in DBT, or dialectical behavior therapy, which practices mindfulness.

Last week marked 3 years since Dexter was murdered, on October 8th. Luna and Dexter weren’t just cats to me; I love my babies. What happened was more than what most people know anything about; it isn’t about what he did to them, it is what he did to me, how he made me a victim and survivor. It isn’t something that one just gets over easily. One doesn’t ‘get over’ it; you aren’t the same person, and you adjust yourself to the way your life has become, and that is something that keeps shifting as you work on your shit. Domestic Violence Awareness month is in October, and the day of unity is the first Monday in October; both are designed to connect advocates with helping women and children and ending the violence.